Every other year or so, I get the email from one of my handful of friends that answers a list of personal questions and requests that I answer the same questions while forwarding the email on to more of my friends. I have the same problem every time I receive this email—all my friends are already copied on it (that’s another story though).
I always find the answers to these questions interesting and usually do learn at least one thing I previously didn’t know that I have in common with one of my friends. This year the revelation was that we all pretty much agree that Cheerios rule in the breakfast category and that a relatively new friend of mine also watches a locally televised church service where women dance barefoot in a circle while waiving tambourines over their heads. I’m not sure what her excuse is for watching this bizarre display of worship, but my excuse is that my husband used to work with one of the tambourine dancers. Granted, I’ve never met the tambourine dancer, but how often do you get to see someone your husband knows on television? I realize this is a lame excuse for wasting my time watching the equivalent of a spiritual train wreck, but otherwise I’d have to delve deeper into my psyche to figure why this is appealing to me. I’ll admit I’m afraid I would be disturbed by the answer. Anyway ... I digress.
The question on the email list that highlights, with neon intensity, how very different I am from my fellow Stepford wives is this: Would you be friends with yourself? I have never once seen anyone answer no to this question. As a matter of fact, I can never remember anyone only answering yes and leaving it at that. Everyone always answers these questions as if it is the equivalent of, Does the sun rise in the east? I’ve seen this question answered with Of course! or You bet! and Oh, I would certainly hope so! My answer is always the same, HELL, NO! At the risk of further pairing down my list of friends, here are the top ten reasons I would not be friends with myself:
1. I’m blind to my children’s faults. And if there is one thing I cannot stand, it’s a mother who thinks her kids are perfect.
2. I don’t want my friends thinking they know me better than I know myself. I’m positive I’m as good a psychologist as anyone with formal training.
3. I suck at remembering birthdays and knowing what to do when my friends are sick or sobbing on the other end of the phone. I want my birthday remembered and food brought to me when I’m sick and someone to know how to make the sobbing stop.
4. I cannot lie. Therefore, I don’t want to be told that yes, my ass looks fat in my favorite jeans and that I really do look forty. Okay, Okay ... forty-one.
5. I don’t want to be friends with anyone as funny as I am. I might be jealous.
6. I don’t want my friends emailing me articles they’ve written for me to read. (No matter how finely crafted and eloquent said articles may be.)
7. I don’t have the gift of hospitality. I truly enjoy the times I spend in my friend’s homes and would be hurt if I never got invited to dinner at my house.
8. I don’t like whiners.
9. I don’t want to worry that my friends are going to write about me and post it on a Web site for all the world to see.
10. I know what goes on inside my head that never comes out of my mouth or gets typed on a keyboard. I don’t do friends that are crazy, neurotic or self-righteous.
I guess after reviewing this list, it’s not really another story after all as to why I have so few friends. However, to the friends I have, thank you for your tolerance. I’d be very lonely without you sharing your lives with me.
Monday, 28 April 2008
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Why I Live Here - Stepford
“My boobs are broken,” is the instant message I send my friend last Thursday afternoon. I send this to my friend whose life is the most similar to mine. Our husbands are friends, we each have a son in the fourth grade and a daughter slightly younger than their older brothers. We attend the same church and both live in nice homes in Stepford, commuting to paralegal jobs in North Dallas to work in, if not identical, exceedingly similar mid-rise glass office buildings.
“WHAT?!?!?!?!?!” is her response. I smile.
“They are broken. My left one keeps sneaking out of the bottom part of my bra and my right one is doing something that is causing the strap that is supposed to be holding it up fall to my elbow,” I type.
“Your boobs aren’t broken, your bra is,” she tries to explain. Her boobs aren’t as broken as mine, so she cannot understand.
“NOPE ... it’s my boobs. Before they broke, all my bras worked just fine,” I clarify.
Fast-forward to later the same evening. You can find me sitting at my kitchen table in Stepford, with my fourth-grader, working through two hours of prepositions and math word problems that contain names of hypothetical children, which neither my son nor I can pronounce, and which certainly no parent in Stepford would dare name their child. I’m not exactly sure what happened to Dick and Jane, but they no longer live in my son’s math book. For that matter, Dick and Jane’s children, Jennifer and Jason, are also conspicuously absent. There are also no Stepfordish names such as Grace, Sam, Emma or Jack.
At some point during my hellish revival of fourth grade, my first grade daughter asks if she can play dress up with a bag of clothing I’ve gathered to give to charity. I’m pretty sure I answered her with a “Sure honey, just be sure you clean up your mess.” Although, what I remember thinking was, “whatever, please just don’t interrupt me again while I’m trying to figure what the probability of getting two apples and a banana out of whatever this kid’s name is basket.” Where do kids with fruit baskets come from anyway?
While I intently work through math torture problem number seven, my son orchestrates the Battle of Armageddon between his eraser and the salt shaker left on the table from dinner. It’s irritating as hell, but I know from experience it will take more energy than I have to negotiate a peace treaty between the eraser and the salt shaker, so I let go. Suddenly, there is silence. And stillness. The hair on the back of my neck stands up. I slowly lift my eyes from the math workbook and am terrified by the look of horror on my son’s face. The eraser and the salt shaker are frozen in mid air attack. I’m thinking to myself, “I didn’t hear the alarm signal that a door had opened ... the sixty-eight pound yellow Lab at my feet has not even flinched ...”
Then I see her ... my daughter ... MY SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER .... who has procured from the charity bag and adorned herself with 1) a red underwire push-up bra, 2) a black blouse that fits her like a mini-dress, 3) a pair of black patent boots which fit below the knees on me, but are thigh-highs on her, and 4) two C cupped sized granny smith apples which she has appropriately placed inside the red under wire push up bra. She says, “How do I look?” and proceeds with a wobbly curtsy that causes one of the apples to hit the tile floor. Then she says, “Uh oh, my boob fell down.” I’m speechless with the most unfortunate and inappropriate exception of, “Just you wait.”
The next night, my husband is working crazy late so I get the kids to bed and get in bed myself and try to find something on TV that will keep me awake until he comes home. And what do I find but the original, from 1975, The Stepford Wives. I had never seen this movie. I, of course, knew all about it and had seen the remake with Nicole Kidman and Matthew Broderick. I was only eight years old when this movie was released, almost the same age my daughter is now, and it’s a movie that I’ve never thought to rent. I WAS TRANSFIXED.
How I could have lived my whole life without seeing this masterpiece of social commentary? This omission has been a tragedy I didn’t even know existed in my life. The original movie is very different than the remake I had seen. It isn’t FUNNY at all. It’s scary ... it’s a HORROR movie, in fact. And all I can think the whole time I’m watching it is, “this is where I live. I live in Stepford. My God, why haven’t I seen this before? In my obsessive quest to extricate myself from East Texas, I traded Redneckville for Stepford without even realizing it.”
It was such a relief to realize the underlying thing that nags me, haunts me, makes me crazy about the “perfect” place I live, is its Stepfordness. It isn’t me or my broken boobs or my imperfectly textured rear-end, or the fact that I choose to work or that I have a love/hate relationship with my mini-van or that I’m secretly thankful home-baked goods aren’t allowed at classroom parties. It isn’t that I don’t like to garden, or sew, or even other people’s children for that matter. It isn’t that I don’t spend hours at the gym so I can look like I did when I was twenty or that I don’t feel like I have enough money or desire to “fix” my boobs to look like every other woman’s in Stepford. It’s not me ... its Stepford. And then I thought something unimaginable ... something I had never considered ... something very Un-Stepfordlike ... something radical.... “What if my boobs really aren’t broken? What if this is what they are supposed to be like after forty years, three pregnancies and two children?”
It was as real of a moment for me as I’ve ever seen in film, when the main character, Joanna, is asked by the gallery owner who is interested in her photography, “what do you want out of this?” and Joanna says, “I just want someone to remember I was here.”
And that one statement from a character in a movie from 1975, based on a book published in 1972 when I was five years old, answers the question people often ask me when they find out about my writing.
“Why do you write?”
“I just want someone to remember I was here.”
“WHAT?!?!?!?!?!” is her response. I smile.
“They are broken. My left one keeps sneaking out of the bottom part of my bra and my right one is doing something that is causing the strap that is supposed to be holding it up fall to my elbow,” I type.
“Your boobs aren’t broken, your bra is,” she tries to explain. Her boobs aren’t as broken as mine, so she cannot understand.
“NOPE ... it’s my boobs. Before they broke, all my bras worked just fine,” I clarify.
Fast-forward to later the same evening. You can find me sitting at my kitchen table in Stepford, with my fourth-grader, working through two hours of prepositions and math word problems that contain names of hypothetical children, which neither my son nor I can pronounce, and which certainly no parent in Stepford would dare name their child. I’m not exactly sure what happened to Dick and Jane, but they no longer live in my son’s math book. For that matter, Dick and Jane’s children, Jennifer and Jason, are also conspicuously absent. There are also no Stepfordish names such as Grace, Sam, Emma or Jack.
At some point during my hellish revival of fourth grade, my first grade daughter asks if she can play dress up with a bag of clothing I’ve gathered to give to charity. I’m pretty sure I answered her with a “Sure honey, just be sure you clean up your mess.” Although, what I remember thinking was, “whatever, please just don’t interrupt me again while I’m trying to figure what the probability of getting two apples and a banana out of whatever this kid’s name is basket.” Where do kids with fruit baskets come from anyway?
While I intently work through math torture problem number seven, my son orchestrates the Battle of Armageddon between his eraser and the salt shaker left on the table from dinner. It’s irritating as hell, but I know from experience it will take more energy than I have to negotiate a peace treaty between the eraser and the salt shaker, so I let go. Suddenly, there is silence. And stillness. The hair on the back of my neck stands up. I slowly lift my eyes from the math workbook and am terrified by the look of horror on my son’s face. The eraser and the salt shaker are frozen in mid air attack. I’m thinking to myself, “I didn’t hear the alarm signal that a door had opened ... the sixty-eight pound yellow Lab at my feet has not even flinched ...”
Then I see her ... my daughter ... MY SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER .... who has procured from the charity bag and adorned herself with 1) a red underwire push-up bra, 2) a black blouse that fits her like a mini-dress, 3) a pair of black patent boots which fit below the knees on me, but are thigh-highs on her, and 4) two C cupped sized granny smith apples which she has appropriately placed inside the red under wire push up bra. She says, “How do I look?” and proceeds with a wobbly curtsy that causes one of the apples to hit the tile floor. Then she says, “Uh oh, my boob fell down.” I’m speechless with the most unfortunate and inappropriate exception of, “Just you wait.”
The next night, my husband is working crazy late so I get the kids to bed and get in bed myself and try to find something on TV that will keep me awake until he comes home. And what do I find but the original, from 1975, The Stepford Wives. I had never seen this movie. I, of course, knew all about it and had seen the remake with Nicole Kidman and Matthew Broderick. I was only eight years old when this movie was released, almost the same age my daughter is now, and it’s a movie that I’ve never thought to rent. I WAS TRANSFIXED.
How I could have lived my whole life without seeing this masterpiece of social commentary? This omission has been a tragedy I didn’t even know existed in my life. The original movie is very different than the remake I had seen. It isn’t FUNNY at all. It’s scary ... it’s a HORROR movie, in fact. And all I can think the whole time I’m watching it is, “this is where I live. I live in Stepford. My God, why haven’t I seen this before? In my obsessive quest to extricate myself from East Texas, I traded Redneckville for Stepford without even realizing it.”
It was such a relief to realize the underlying thing that nags me, haunts me, makes me crazy about the “perfect” place I live, is its Stepfordness. It isn’t me or my broken boobs or my imperfectly textured rear-end, or the fact that I choose to work or that I have a love/hate relationship with my mini-van or that I’m secretly thankful home-baked goods aren’t allowed at classroom parties. It isn’t that I don’t like to garden, or sew, or even other people’s children for that matter. It isn’t that I don’t spend hours at the gym so I can look like I did when I was twenty or that I don’t feel like I have enough money or desire to “fix” my boobs to look like every other woman’s in Stepford. It’s not me ... its Stepford. And then I thought something unimaginable ... something I had never considered ... something very Un-Stepfordlike ... something radical.... “What if my boobs really aren’t broken? What if this is what they are supposed to be like after forty years, three pregnancies and two children?”
It was as real of a moment for me as I’ve ever seen in film, when the main character, Joanna, is asked by the gallery owner who is interested in her photography, “what do you want out of this?” and Joanna says, “I just want someone to remember I was here.”
And that one statement from a character in a movie from 1975, based on a book published in 1972 when I was five years old, answers the question people often ask me when they find out about my writing.
“Why do you write?”
“I just want someone to remember I was here.”
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Why I Live Here - Texas
I’m a Native Texan and usually when you hear people say that around here, it’s a statement of pride. I, however, have a much more complicated relationship with my home state. Texas is too vast and diverse a place to really write one article about living in the state. Truly, you would need an entire series of articles and even then I’m not sure you could do Texas justice. I choose to live in Dallas, more specifically a northern suburb of Dallas, not because I grew up here, but because I grew up in rural East Texas. I love the suburb that I’ve lived in for sixteen years because it’s close enough to where I grew up to feel like home, but not so close that it suffers from the small town issues I felt I needed to get away from. I have, however, made peace with it and have come to appreciate that a lot of who I am today is because I grew up in place I did not enjoy. For me, finding out who I am, came from seeing, for the first half of my life, who I did not want to be.
East Texas is not all bad and once I set the scene for why I knew from an early age I could never spend my life there, I will let you know a few of the things I experienced growing up that I do have a great deal of sadness my own children will never experience.
For all the progress blacks have made in this country, my hometown was still segregated when, the day after graduation, I packed my car and left in May of 1985. 1985? Segregation? Yes … it’s not a typo. While it’s true the schools and town were not “officially” segregated, for all practical purposes they were. White kids and black kids did not play together on the playground, sit by each other in the cafeteria, or live in the same neighborhoods. The “N” word was freely spoken in my house and in my mother and step-father’s circle of friends and our extended family. It was spoken among the white kids at school and used to describe that certain part of town where the majority of the black families lived. There were two neighborhoods in my town of 10,000 souls that were nicer than the one in which my family lived. No black families lived in those two neighborhoods or mine. There were “black” churches and “white” churches, although only the “black” churches were described according to race. It was well understood that white girls did not date black boys and I vividly remember with great sadness the one mixed race child in my high school. I still wonder if she knew, surely she must have, that neither the white kids or the black kids liked her because, as everyone said, “She thinks she’s white.” Of course, no one minded at all, when black students excelled on the playing field and took my high school football team to the district playoffs my sophomore year.
Lest you come away thinking it was just the racial divide that precipitated my escape, there was much more. “Yankees,” meaning anyone who was from a state further north than Oklahoma, were not welcome. My grandfather’s sister, poor Aunt Eunice, was forever designated the family “Yankee” because she married my Uncle George and he was from Omaha. This was much more a stain on the family than her brother, J.W.’s, suicide. George was always spoken of with contempt, but J.W.’s suicide more as just a matter of fact. That disturbs me just a bit. Education was also viewed with suspicion. While the bright kids were expected to go to college and my own family did indeed encourage this, too much education earned you the label of “weirdo.” Aunt Eunice and Uncle George’s son earned a PhD when I was in middle school. My mother welcomed this news with something to the effect of “I always knew he was a little weird.” Even at the age of twelve or thirteen, I found it hysterical as well as ironic that the most educated person in our family’s Y chromosome was contributed by a “Yankee.”
OK, so there is the Reader’s Digest version of why I left East Texas for Dallas and its suburbs. Here are the positive things about growing up there that are bittersweet. Bitter because the experiences are tinged with the claustrophobia of my small town, sweet because these memories are the bright spots of my youth and the parts of my childhood I freely share with my children.
1) I know what grass burrs and bull nettles are. To this day I think twice before walking across my manicured and weed-free suburban lawn without flip flops for fear of getting a grass burr stuck in the bottom of my foot. I also know that if I were to ever get stung by a bull nettle again, there are two things readily available that will make the stinging stop. One is household bleach and the other is pee (yes, as in urine and preferably my own). I’m quite confident I am the only person in my eleven story office building that possess this information.
2) I’ve had the experience of holding a Horny Toad in my hand. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. My grandfather’s house, in which my mother and I lived after she and my father divorced, had a huge back yard. Contained in this backyard was quite the population of Texas Horned Frogs (which happens to be the Texas Christian University mascot). I’m not sure I would hold a frog today, but I held many a Horny Toad during my preschool years. And while I’m afraid of spiders and wasps, I’m not afraid of the similarly looking Granddaddy Long Legs and Dirt Dobbers. Dirt Dobbers are black and don’t have stingers and Granddaddy Long Legs don’t bite. I also know that if you pull most of the legs off a Granddaddy Long Leg it will walk in a circle. (I’m not particularly proud that I know that, but PETA wasn’t really active in my hometown.)
3) I’ve eaten warm watermelon while sitting in the patch in which the watermelon was grown. I could have never dreamed of a day when there would be watermelons without seeds or that they could cost more than five whole dollars.
4) I have an Uncle Buck (he owned the watermelon patch). His real name isn’t Buck and he is missing a finger and has always had false teeth and somehow all of that seemed quite normal to me as child. I had an Uncle Wood and that was his real name. He could wiggle his ears. You don’t see that much anymore, OK not at all. I called my grandfather “Granddaddy” and he called me “Baby Doll” until the day, when I was twenty-nine, that he died.
5) I had a Nannie. No, not the type of Nannie my professional friends hire to help with their childcare. She was my great-grandmother who stepped in to love and care for me and fill an emptiness that was left when my grandmother (her daughter) died the year I turned four. Actually, we called her “Big Nannie.” There was another “Nannie” in the family (it was Uncle Buck’s wife, Minnie) and because Big Nannie was older, she got stuck with the “Big” designation. She always bought me underwear for Christmas and I never minded. I can still see her in the backyard of her house ringing the neck of a real live (but soon to be not) chicken. She would then pluck all the feathers and fry it in a cast iron skillet for Sunday dinner.
We would have cornbread crumbled into our sweet tea to go with it. I would love to see the faces of my business associates if one day over lunch, I took a piece of cornbread and crumbled it into my tea glass. She taught me to shell purple hull peas and we watched “All in the Family,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” and “The Carol Burnett Show” every Saturday night snuggled up in her recliner, while my mother dated looking for me a stepfather.
6) I understand the phrase “Happy as a Pig in the Sunshine.” I’ve seen lots of happy pigs and every one of them was laying in the sun at the time. I understand the phrase “That will hare lip the Governor.” Although, as I child, this always conjured up for me a disturbing mental picture of the actual Texas Governor who had been suddenly and inextricably stricken with a cleft palate.
7) I know how to crochet, cross stitch, and twirl a baton. These skills don’t come in handy much in my life today, but you never can tell when the need may arise. I’m considering teaching my seven year old daughter to crochet. For all my efforts to the contrary, she seems to have inherited the gene responsible for cooking, music, and arts and crafts.
8) I had my first kiss while skating backwards under the disco ball at the local roller rink when I was thirteen.
9) I prefer open casket funerals. I know how cold and hard an embalmed dead body is and that you can apply, remove, and then reapply make up to it. I think its perfectly natural and healthy for people to be allowed to kiss a dead body goodbye. I firmly believe this helps with closure. I’ve never once been to an open casket funeral outside of East Texas, but have left explicit instructions with my husband and my best friends that if the need arises, I want everyone who took the time to come to my funeral to have the opportunity to see me dead. I also do not want any happy “Celebration of Life” thing going on at my funeral. I want an old fashioned, open casket, wailing and carrying on, funeral. If someone faints, I’ll consider that a bonus. I want to look down and know these people will miss me and are actually sad I’m gone. If I see balloons in my favorite color being released, I will not be pleased. I want Amazing Grace sang afterward at a graveside service where everyone takes a flower from the top of my casket to press in between the pages of their Bible.
10) I love vanilla coke. Not the kind you can now by at the supermarket, but the kind only Dairy Queen can make.
So, I live in Dallas because Texas is home, warts and all. I have occasionally worried about raising my children here. I’ve worried that they won’t grow up to be tolerant, open-minded and kind. I’ve worried they will grow up to be Republicans. Occasionally, however, I get reassurance in this area from them. Last year for my son’s tenth birthday, I agreed to allow him to invite as many children as he liked to his party. This meant that for the first time, there would be children attending a party I was hosting that I had never met. It was a great party at an old fashioned roller rink and we had about thirty children there. While driving home after the party, I turned and looked at my son and said, “I didn’t know Andrew was black.” He looked at me, tilted his head ever so slightly to the left, as if contemplating some new information, and after a few seconds said, “So?”
Touché my little Native Texan. Touché.
East Texas is not all bad and once I set the scene for why I knew from an early age I could never spend my life there, I will let you know a few of the things I experienced growing up that I do have a great deal of sadness my own children will never experience.
For all the progress blacks have made in this country, my hometown was still segregated when, the day after graduation, I packed my car and left in May of 1985. 1985? Segregation? Yes … it’s not a typo. While it’s true the schools and town were not “officially” segregated, for all practical purposes they were. White kids and black kids did not play together on the playground, sit by each other in the cafeteria, or live in the same neighborhoods. The “N” word was freely spoken in my house and in my mother and step-father’s circle of friends and our extended family. It was spoken among the white kids at school and used to describe that certain part of town where the majority of the black families lived. There were two neighborhoods in my town of 10,000 souls that were nicer than the one in which my family lived. No black families lived in those two neighborhoods or mine. There were “black” churches and “white” churches, although only the “black” churches were described according to race. It was well understood that white girls did not date black boys and I vividly remember with great sadness the one mixed race child in my high school. I still wonder if she knew, surely she must have, that neither the white kids or the black kids liked her because, as everyone said, “She thinks she’s white.” Of course, no one minded at all, when black students excelled on the playing field and took my high school football team to the district playoffs my sophomore year.
Lest you come away thinking it was just the racial divide that precipitated my escape, there was much more. “Yankees,” meaning anyone who was from a state further north than Oklahoma, were not welcome. My grandfather’s sister, poor Aunt Eunice, was forever designated the family “Yankee” because she married my Uncle George and he was from Omaha. This was much more a stain on the family than her brother, J.W.’s, suicide. George was always spoken of with contempt, but J.W.’s suicide more as just a matter of fact. That disturbs me just a bit. Education was also viewed with suspicion. While the bright kids were expected to go to college and my own family did indeed encourage this, too much education earned you the label of “weirdo.” Aunt Eunice and Uncle George’s son earned a PhD when I was in middle school. My mother welcomed this news with something to the effect of “I always knew he was a little weird.” Even at the age of twelve or thirteen, I found it hysterical as well as ironic that the most educated person in our family’s Y chromosome was contributed by a “Yankee.”
OK, so there is the Reader’s Digest version of why I left East Texas for Dallas and its suburbs. Here are the positive things about growing up there that are bittersweet. Bitter because the experiences are tinged with the claustrophobia of my small town, sweet because these memories are the bright spots of my youth and the parts of my childhood I freely share with my children.
1) I know what grass burrs and bull nettles are. To this day I think twice before walking across my manicured and weed-free suburban lawn without flip flops for fear of getting a grass burr stuck in the bottom of my foot. I also know that if I were to ever get stung by a bull nettle again, there are two things readily available that will make the stinging stop. One is household bleach and the other is pee (yes, as in urine and preferably my own). I’m quite confident I am the only person in my eleven story office building that possess this information.
2) I’ve had the experience of holding a Horny Toad in my hand. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. My grandfather’s house, in which my mother and I lived after she and my father divorced, had a huge back yard. Contained in this backyard was quite the population of Texas Horned Frogs (which happens to be the Texas Christian University mascot). I’m not sure I would hold a frog today, but I held many a Horny Toad during my preschool years. And while I’m afraid of spiders and wasps, I’m not afraid of the similarly looking Granddaddy Long Legs and Dirt Dobbers. Dirt Dobbers are black and don’t have stingers and Granddaddy Long Legs don’t bite. I also know that if you pull most of the legs off a Granddaddy Long Leg it will walk in a circle. (I’m not particularly proud that I know that, but PETA wasn’t really active in my hometown.)
3) I’ve eaten warm watermelon while sitting in the patch in which the watermelon was grown. I could have never dreamed of a day when there would be watermelons without seeds or that they could cost more than five whole dollars.
4) I have an Uncle Buck (he owned the watermelon patch). His real name isn’t Buck and he is missing a finger and has always had false teeth and somehow all of that seemed quite normal to me as child. I had an Uncle Wood and that was his real name. He could wiggle his ears. You don’t see that much anymore, OK not at all. I called my grandfather “Granddaddy” and he called me “Baby Doll” until the day, when I was twenty-nine, that he died.
5) I had a Nannie. No, not the type of Nannie my professional friends hire to help with their childcare. She was my great-grandmother who stepped in to love and care for me and fill an emptiness that was left when my grandmother (her daughter) died the year I turned four. Actually, we called her “Big Nannie.” There was another “Nannie” in the family (it was Uncle Buck’s wife, Minnie) and because Big Nannie was older, she got stuck with the “Big” designation. She always bought me underwear for Christmas and I never minded. I can still see her in the backyard of her house ringing the neck of a real live (but soon to be not) chicken. She would then pluck all the feathers and fry it in a cast iron skillet for Sunday dinner.
We would have cornbread crumbled into our sweet tea to go with it. I would love to see the faces of my business associates if one day over lunch, I took a piece of cornbread and crumbled it into my tea glass. She taught me to shell purple hull peas and we watched “All in the Family,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” and “The Carol Burnett Show” every Saturday night snuggled up in her recliner, while my mother dated looking for me a stepfather.
6) I understand the phrase “Happy as a Pig in the Sunshine.” I’ve seen lots of happy pigs and every one of them was laying in the sun at the time. I understand the phrase “That will hare lip the Governor.” Although, as I child, this always conjured up for me a disturbing mental picture of the actual Texas Governor who had been suddenly and inextricably stricken with a cleft palate.
7) I know how to crochet, cross stitch, and twirl a baton. These skills don’t come in handy much in my life today, but you never can tell when the need may arise. I’m considering teaching my seven year old daughter to crochet. For all my efforts to the contrary, she seems to have inherited the gene responsible for cooking, music, and arts and crafts.
8) I had my first kiss while skating backwards under the disco ball at the local roller rink when I was thirteen.
9) I prefer open casket funerals. I know how cold and hard an embalmed dead body is and that you can apply, remove, and then reapply make up to it. I think its perfectly natural and healthy for people to be allowed to kiss a dead body goodbye. I firmly believe this helps with closure. I’ve never once been to an open casket funeral outside of East Texas, but have left explicit instructions with my husband and my best friends that if the need arises, I want everyone who took the time to come to my funeral to have the opportunity to see me dead. I also do not want any happy “Celebration of Life” thing going on at my funeral. I want an old fashioned, open casket, wailing and carrying on, funeral. If someone faints, I’ll consider that a bonus. I want to look down and know these people will miss me and are actually sad I’m gone. If I see balloons in my favorite color being released, I will not be pleased. I want Amazing Grace sang afterward at a graveside service where everyone takes a flower from the top of my casket to press in between the pages of their Bible.
10) I love vanilla coke. Not the kind you can now by at the supermarket, but the kind only Dairy Queen can make.
So, I live in Dallas because Texas is home, warts and all. I have occasionally worried about raising my children here. I’ve worried that they won’t grow up to be tolerant, open-minded and kind. I’ve worried they will grow up to be Republicans. Occasionally, however, I get reassurance in this area from them. Last year for my son’s tenth birthday, I agreed to allow him to invite as many children as he liked to his party. This meant that for the first time, there would be children attending a party I was hosting that I had never met. It was a great party at an old fashioned roller rink and we had about thirty children there. While driving home after the party, I turned and looked at my son and said, “I didn’t know Andrew was black.” He looked at me, tilted his head ever so slightly to the left, as if contemplating some new information, and after a few seconds said, “So?”
Touché my little Native Texan. Touché.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
My Stepford Husband
I don’t write a lot about my husband, mainly to respect his privacy. He does not suffer from my sometimes irritating personality trait that causes me to share everything that runs through my mind. I also, however, refrain from writing about him to protect my marriage’s privacy. There is something sacred between us that would somehow be diminished if I shared too many details of the part of our lives spent between just he and I. I’m going to make an exception today in honor of Valentine’s Day. Here are just a few reasons I love him … still.
1) He loves me. The me with no makeup wearing the mismatched sweats I sleep in.
2) He made me a mother.
3) He cries when he gives me gifts that he knows touch my heart.
4) He gets my son’s humor.
5) He gets my daughter’s intensity.
6) He trusts me.
7) He believes I look better than I do.
8) He still calls me the same nickname he picked for me in college.
9) He makes me laugh.
10) He not only helps me take care of my dad, but has opened our home and rearranged our lives to integrate him into our immediate family.
11) He works harder than anyone I know.
12) He makes me believe every day that I will grow old with the only man that ever lifted my veil.
13) He dried my tears and gave me hope the day we buried a tiny white velvet coffin that contained our first baby boy.
14) He told me once I was smart.
15) He always gives me a serious card and a funny card on Valentine’s Day. (I like the funny one’s the most.)
16) He pooper scoops the backyard.
17) He clips our children’s fingernails and toenails.
18) He sleeps with six pillows.
19) He doesn’t allow me to be totally dependent upon him. (This has given me more confidence than I could have ever had otherwise.)
20) He is generous and kind and honest and good and he’s mine and I am blessed to be his.
1) He loves me. The me with no makeup wearing the mismatched sweats I sleep in.
2) He made me a mother.
3) He cries when he gives me gifts that he knows touch my heart.
4) He gets my son’s humor.
5) He gets my daughter’s intensity.
6) He trusts me.
7) He believes I look better than I do.
8) He still calls me the same nickname he picked for me in college.
9) He makes me laugh.
10) He not only helps me take care of my dad, but has opened our home and rearranged our lives to integrate him into our immediate family.
11) He works harder than anyone I know.
12) He makes me believe every day that I will grow old with the only man that ever lifted my veil.
13) He dried my tears and gave me hope the day we buried a tiny white velvet coffin that contained our first baby boy.
14) He told me once I was smart.
15) He always gives me a serious card and a funny card on Valentine’s Day. (I like the funny one’s the most.)
16) He pooper scoops the backyard.
17) He clips our children’s fingernails and toenails.
18) He sleeps with six pillows.
19) He doesn’t allow me to be totally dependent upon him. (This has given me more confidence than I could have ever had otherwise.)
20) He is generous and kind and honest and good and he’s mine and I am blessed to be his.
Thursday, 31 January 2008
The Heart of a Giver (Part 2)
As I mentioned in my previous article, The Heart of a Giver, my daughter seems to have really gotten it when it comes to this giving thing. The rest of the family is on the path, some of us just drift off into the weeds occasionally. After all, even the most disciplined giver can get distracted when tempted by a pair of animal print Guess heels or the latest Wii game that happens to be laying in our line of sight, albeit slightly off the path, tucked neatly in between a bull nettle and a patch of crab grass.
(It has recently come to my attention, over a bottle of red wine with friends, that the term “bull nettle” might not be as universal as I once thought. For those of you that were not raised in rural East Texas and grew up without it being in your best interest to know how to spot and avoid bull nettles, a bull nettle is a tall weed that can grow to three or four feet. It looks like any other enormous weed in a cow pasture with the exception of the fine, soft needles that cover its leaves. The slightest brush of your skin against these needles will make you wish you fell head first into a fire ant mound instead.)
I realize digressing into the definition of poisonous native Texas plants might seem odd, but stay with me, I’m going somewhere with this. You see, I have found material possessions that are off the path I’m supposed to follow, are always tucked next to the spiritual equivalent of a bull nettle. True, I can sometimes acquire the item while avoiding the bull nettle all together. Eventually, however, the bull nettle gets me. Maybe just a pinkie finger here, or the back of my hand there. There has been the acquisition of things in my life, however, that have caused a full body dive into the middle of a bull nettle patch. And boy am I sorry then, and for a long time to come.
So, one of my missions is to teach my children this lesson so that when they are my age, they are not being stung by spiritual bull nettles caused by the pursuit of stuff. I don’t always feel well equipped (OK, never) to teach my children in this area. (I really like stuff.) So, I’m always looking for opportunities to help myself, so I can pass it along.
In 2008, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to serve as the Co-Chair of my Church’s Stewardship Committee. Through some research I’m doing for this committee, I’ve been introduced, via a fourteen CD set, to Dave Ramsey. Mr. Ramsey is the creator of “Financial Peace University” and a nationally syndicated radio personality. While listening to these CD’s I was intrigued by his suggestion on how to teach your children to give and to save, not just spend. What Mr. Ramsey recommends is giving each child three envelopes, one for spending, one for saving, and one for giving. He then suggests designating the percentage of the child’s allowance that should go into each envelope. Currently at my house, we don’t have envelopes. My daughter has her purse, which is for saving ... no spending ... and then in one fail swoop, it is for giving. My son has a wallet. The purpose of his wallet is to remind him that he spent every penny of his allowance before it ever made it into the wallet. As you can see, we may need some balance here, so I decided that next month we’re going to institute the envelope system. Ten percent will be for giving, 10 percent will be for saving, and 80 percent will be for spending. My rules will be that the 10 percent for giving and saving is a required minimum. The saving envelope will have a goal written on the outside. Perhaps something like a video game. Something that will take at least two months worth of allowance to acquire. The spending envelope will be for just that, spending on whatever they want (within the household rules of course, my children are not allowed alcohol or firearms).
In preparing for my conversation with my children regarding the envelope system, I had no concerns on selling this to my daughter. Mr. “May I Borrow Next Month’s Allowance” was, however, stressing me out. I knew how I presented this to my son would be very important. After all, I could mandate this and force him to do it. But what I was really after was his heart, and that required a delicacy I usually don’t possess.
So, the time came when I felt he would be receptive to the conversation and this is how it went:
Me (taking a deep breath): “Hey, I think we’re going to start doing something different with allowance next month. I think it will be fun and you’ll really enjoy it.”
Him (suddenly stock still and avoiding eye contact, as if aware he had been spotted by a predator that was ready to pounce at his slightest move): “Uhhh, huhhh ...”
Me (putting out my hook): “Well, I was thinking that instead of paying your allowance at the end of each month, I would pay your allowance weekly.”
Him (visibly thinking through that he would have a money each week): “Yeah?”
Me: “And, I thought I would give you guys each three envelopes. One would be labeled spending. This would be the envelope you could buy your toys and stuff with. Then we could have one for saving and you could put a picture of that new Wii game on it and put some money in there to save and when you had enough you could buy it. And then we’d have one for giving.”
(He is now silently contemplating what I’ve just said, so I press on.)
Me: “You know the Bible teaches us to give a tithe. Tithe means 10 or 10 percent of our income. And I think it’s also a very good idea to save at least that much. Your Dad and I have not always done this and still struggle to do it. We would have been so much better off if we had started this sooner.”
Him (Now suspicious): “How much of my allowance is 10 percent?”
Me: “Two dollars per month”
(I am now holding my breath. Forget breathing deeply, I’ve just stopped all together.)
Him: “Do I have to give it to the Church?”
(OK, I wasn’t expecting this ... think, think, think.)
Me: “No, I don’t think so. But it does need to be a charity that Mom and Dad approve of.”
Him: “Can I give it to the SPCA?”
Me (fighting tears thinking of the day a year ago we picked up our beloved yellow dog at the SPCA): “Yes, I think that would be a find idea.”
Him: “Do I have to buy a game with my savings money?”
Me: “No, what else do you have in mind?”
Him: “I thought that at the end of the year after I’ve saved up a bunch of money that I could give that envelope to the Church.”
Me: “I think that would be a fine idea, too.”
Me (silently): “Thank you Father for entrusting me with children who teach me lessons I need to learn.”
(It has recently come to my attention, over a bottle of red wine with friends, that the term “bull nettle” might not be as universal as I once thought. For those of you that were not raised in rural East Texas and grew up without it being in your best interest to know how to spot and avoid bull nettles, a bull nettle is a tall weed that can grow to three or four feet. It looks like any other enormous weed in a cow pasture with the exception of the fine, soft needles that cover its leaves. The slightest brush of your skin against these needles will make you wish you fell head first into a fire ant mound instead.)
I realize digressing into the definition of poisonous native Texas plants might seem odd, but stay with me, I’m going somewhere with this. You see, I have found material possessions that are off the path I’m supposed to follow, are always tucked next to the spiritual equivalent of a bull nettle. True, I can sometimes acquire the item while avoiding the bull nettle all together. Eventually, however, the bull nettle gets me. Maybe just a pinkie finger here, or the back of my hand there. There has been the acquisition of things in my life, however, that have caused a full body dive into the middle of a bull nettle patch. And boy am I sorry then, and for a long time to come.
So, one of my missions is to teach my children this lesson so that when they are my age, they are not being stung by spiritual bull nettles caused by the pursuit of stuff. I don’t always feel well equipped (OK, never) to teach my children in this area. (I really like stuff.) So, I’m always looking for opportunities to help myself, so I can pass it along.
In 2008, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to serve as the Co-Chair of my Church’s Stewardship Committee. Through some research I’m doing for this committee, I’ve been introduced, via a fourteen CD set, to Dave Ramsey. Mr. Ramsey is the creator of “Financial Peace University” and a nationally syndicated radio personality. While listening to these CD’s I was intrigued by his suggestion on how to teach your children to give and to save, not just spend. What Mr. Ramsey recommends is giving each child three envelopes, one for spending, one for saving, and one for giving. He then suggests designating the percentage of the child’s allowance that should go into each envelope. Currently at my house, we don’t have envelopes. My daughter has her purse, which is for saving ... no spending ... and then in one fail swoop, it is for giving. My son has a wallet. The purpose of his wallet is to remind him that he spent every penny of his allowance before it ever made it into the wallet. As you can see, we may need some balance here, so I decided that next month we’re going to institute the envelope system. Ten percent will be for giving, 10 percent will be for saving, and 80 percent will be for spending. My rules will be that the 10 percent for giving and saving is a required minimum. The saving envelope will have a goal written on the outside. Perhaps something like a video game. Something that will take at least two months worth of allowance to acquire. The spending envelope will be for just that, spending on whatever they want (within the household rules of course, my children are not allowed alcohol or firearms).
In preparing for my conversation with my children regarding the envelope system, I had no concerns on selling this to my daughter. Mr. “May I Borrow Next Month’s Allowance” was, however, stressing me out. I knew how I presented this to my son would be very important. After all, I could mandate this and force him to do it. But what I was really after was his heart, and that required a delicacy I usually don’t possess.
So, the time came when I felt he would be receptive to the conversation and this is how it went:
Me (taking a deep breath): “Hey, I think we’re going to start doing something different with allowance next month. I think it will be fun and you’ll really enjoy it.”
Him (suddenly stock still and avoiding eye contact, as if aware he had been spotted by a predator that was ready to pounce at his slightest move): “Uhhh, huhhh ...”
Me (putting out my hook): “Well, I was thinking that instead of paying your allowance at the end of each month, I would pay your allowance weekly.”
Him (visibly thinking through that he would have a money each week): “Yeah?”
Me: “And, I thought I would give you guys each three envelopes. One would be labeled spending. This would be the envelope you could buy your toys and stuff with. Then we could have one for saving and you could put a picture of that new Wii game on it and put some money in there to save and when you had enough you could buy it. And then we’d have one for giving.”
(He is now silently contemplating what I’ve just said, so I press on.)
Me: “You know the Bible teaches us to give a tithe. Tithe means 10 or 10 percent of our income. And I think it’s also a very good idea to save at least that much. Your Dad and I have not always done this and still struggle to do it. We would have been so much better off if we had started this sooner.”
Him (Now suspicious): “How much of my allowance is 10 percent?”
Me: “Two dollars per month”
(I am now holding my breath. Forget breathing deeply, I’ve just stopped all together.)
Him: “Do I have to give it to the Church?”
(OK, I wasn’t expecting this ... think, think, think.)
Me: “No, I don’t think so. But it does need to be a charity that Mom and Dad approve of.”
Him: “Can I give it to the SPCA?”
Me (fighting tears thinking of the day a year ago we picked up our beloved yellow dog at the SPCA): “Yes, I think that would be a find idea.”
Him: “Do I have to buy a game with my savings money?”
Me: “No, what else do you have in mind?”
Him: “I thought that at the end of the year after I’ve saved up a bunch of money that I could give that envelope to the Church.”
Me: “I think that would be a fine idea, too.”
Me (silently): “Thank you Father for entrusting me with children who teach me lessons I need to learn.”
Sunday, 23 December 2007
The Twelves Days of Mother
On the first day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the second day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“No one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the third day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“I’m so sad,
no one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the fourth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
no one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the fifth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
come to my house,
I’m so sad,
no one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the sixth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the seventh day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the eighth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the ninth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the tenth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“What? Come to YOUR house????,
You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the eleventh day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“I wouldn’t be in control!,
What? Come to YOUR house????,
You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Where did I go wrong?,
I wouldn’t be in control!,
What? Come to YOUR house????,
You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
my mother said to me,
“Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the second day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“No one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the third day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“I’m so sad,
no one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the fourth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
no one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the fifth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
come to my house,
I’m so sad,
no one loves me and
why won’t you come to see me?”
On the sixth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the seventh day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the eighth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the ninth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the tenth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“What? Come to YOUR house????,
You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the eleventh day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“I wouldn’t be in control!,
What? Come to YOUR house????,
You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my mother said to me,
“Where did I go wrong?,
I wouldn’t be in control!,
What? Come to YOUR house????,
You have your own life????,
You should be ashamed,
You should love your mother,
Don’t you feel guilty?,
I a-a m d e - p r e s s e d,
Come to my house,
I’m so sad,
No one loves me and
Why won’t you come to see me?”
Saturday, 17 November 2007
Life is Better
There are certain things in my life that didn’t quite make the cut into my “Things I Love” article. However, I really, really like the following things and they make my life SO much better than it otherwise would be.
Big Girl Panties – Seriously, my friends are just not being honest when they try to convince me that having a piece of dental floss stuck in their crack all day is more comfortable than NORMAL panties. If you are that against panty lines, just go commando. It’s not like your thong is doing anything anyway, wedged as it is between your labia majora and labia minora.
My Minivan – You have NOT lived until you’ve pulled up to the car pool drop off spot and pushed a button that ejects your children and then closes the door again without the threat of someone’s hand being lobbed off. I do not need that drama at 7:45 am. Furthermore, when picking up said children I do not have to Houdini myself into the backseat to open the door ... no one wants to see my rear end stuck in the windshield while trying to open the back door for my kids.
A perfectly toasted egg bagel with real vegetable cream cheese made at the REAL Jewish deli that is on my way to work.
Dancing with the Stars – I know ... I can’t explain it.
Cowboys Football
My flat iron – I cannot believe I spent all that money in the 80’s perming my naturally straight hair ... NOW I spend my time straightening my now wavy hair due to the gray under the hair color. That timing really could have been better.
Under-wire bras – we’ve already established my need for this product.
Technology – my digital camera, the internet, email, my cell phone, cable, Gameboys and Game Cubes (what did our parents do when we got on their nerves?) DVD’s and the DVD player in my MINIVAN.
Tim McGraw – yum
Bare Minerals Makeup
Glide Dental Floss – I cannot imagine how grumpy I would be if I had to go around my who life with crap stuck between my teeth.
The remote control
My maid – not because she cleans my house but because she makes life bearable for my husband who is the Felix to my Oscar.
My Schwan’s Man - Dusty, you keep my family fed and I’m CONFIDENT I do my part in keeping yours fed.
Big Girl Panties – Seriously, my friends are just not being honest when they try to convince me that having a piece of dental floss stuck in their crack all day is more comfortable than NORMAL panties. If you are that against panty lines, just go commando. It’s not like your thong is doing anything anyway, wedged as it is between your labia majora and labia minora.
My Minivan – You have NOT lived until you’ve pulled up to the car pool drop off spot and pushed a button that ejects your children and then closes the door again without the threat of someone’s hand being lobbed off. I do not need that drama at 7:45 am. Furthermore, when picking up said children I do not have to Houdini myself into the backseat to open the door ... no one wants to see my rear end stuck in the windshield while trying to open the back door for my kids.
A perfectly toasted egg bagel with real vegetable cream cheese made at the REAL Jewish deli that is on my way to work.
Dancing with the Stars – I know ... I can’t explain it.
Cowboys Football
My flat iron – I cannot believe I spent all that money in the 80’s perming my naturally straight hair ... NOW I spend my time straightening my now wavy hair due to the gray under the hair color. That timing really could have been better.
Under-wire bras – we’ve already established my need for this product.
Technology – my digital camera, the internet, email, my cell phone, cable, Gameboys and Game Cubes (what did our parents do when we got on their nerves?) DVD’s and the DVD player in my MINIVAN.
Tim McGraw – yum
Bare Minerals Makeup
Glide Dental Floss – I cannot imagine how grumpy I would be if I had to go around my who life with crap stuck between my teeth.
The remote control
My maid – not because she cleans my house but because she makes life bearable for my husband who is the Felix to my Oscar.
My Schwan’s Man - Dusty, you keep my family fed and I’m CONFIDENT I do my part in keeping yours fed.
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