Community Service Announcement

I love amusement parks. They are one of the few places in the world, along with movie theaters, where I feel exactly as I did as a child. I love pulling into the parking lot and seeing the rides from afar and hearing the muffled screams of the riders. My pulse ticks up a notch every time.

I had long looked forward to taking my own children to amusement parks. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that amusement parks aren’t really my son’s thing. I was in denial about this for a long while. I was just sure as soon as he realized (thanks to my gleeful demonstrations) how much fun he was missing, he would embrace the experience with the same cotton candy glee as me. After an ill-fated ride on Six Flags’ Shock Wave this spring, I’ve finally come to an understanding, an acceptance really, about my first born. My son does not mesh with roller coasters, crowds, lines, and all the sugar his body can ingest in an afternoon.

However, redemption has come to me in the form of an eight-year-old girl who is only limited by the height restrictions on the rides.

JOY. JOY. JOY.

I took my daughter to the Stepford Water Park over the weekend. We were accompanied by three of her soccer teammates and their parents. It was a great afternoon. We floated the lazy river, slid down the tall, medium, and small slides, and completely enjoyed the wave pool.

While there, I learned three valuable lessons. As a community service, I feel I must share these with you. If you need to print this article and tape it to your refrigerator at the beginning of each summer, please do so. Really. For the good of all of us.

1. Under no circumstance should Spanx be worn as swimwear. I do not care how good they make your ass look in jeans―wet, naked Spanx do not have the same affect. (No, I am not kidding. Yes, they were flesh colored.)

2. Be self-aware at all times. I have heard that scary movies can be sexually arousing. I don’t really understand this myself, but I’m willing to accept the scientific research on the subject. What took me by total surprise was the fact that scary water slides can have the same affect. (No, the cold water did not override what you are correctly imagining). If your man has a propensity for fright induced erections, please do not send him to the water park in a white bathing suit and have him stand perpendicular to me while he enjoys the unexpected benefits of the death shoot. I will not be able to stop looking and my eight-year-old daughter does not need to see this.

3. Alternatives to bathing suits are usually not a good idea. I’m not fundamentally opposed to you swimming in a tank top. We all have things about our bodies that we’d rather hundreds of people not see. However, you need to know that if you do choose to swim in a tank top without a bra or bikini top underneath, even if said tank top is hot pink, there is a very real possibility that your rather large aureoles will show through the tank top. (Again, surely you don’t think I could conceive of wet aureoles on my own? I have witnesses and lack the capacity to imagine such an atrocity.) If this applies to you, please stay far, far away from Mr. Death Shoot Erection. He’s already having a hard enough time (pun, most definitely, intended) taking care of his personal problem.

More Music Notes

And who says classical music is boring?



This video appeared yesterday on the Dallas Observer's music blog. My sister is a busy girl these days. In addition to preparing to pick her flute back up for The Polyphonic Spree's upcoming album, she's doing this amazing work as part of The Chameleon Chamber Group.

Enjoy!

Music Lovers Take Note

Tim DeLaughter of The Polyphonic Spree is dancing with his muse once again. He has begun to write the music that The Spree will record on their new album this fall. Even more exciting, he has decided to share the process with us. He is currently posting raw, unedited, cuts on The Spree's website.

The Spree is also getting an incredible amount of buzz around Dallas as we all await the new album. Check out The Dallas Observer's Music Blog for a much more educated perspective than I can provide. After all, I am a little biased since my sister (pictured directly to the right of DeLaughter in this Fragile Army pic) rocks the flute for the band.

Nothing Yet

I haven't heard from the producers of Morning Joe just yet. (I know you're all dying to hear the news as much as me.) However, I'm sure it is just because I sent Willie's invitation late in the day and the show is, of course, a morning show. And now, it's the weekend.

I'm positive I'll hear something Monday.

Check out my new comment software, Disqus. I've been using it over at Lindsay Ferrier's blog Suburban Turmoil and I love, love, love it.

Have a great weekend. It is actually going to be under 100 here in Texas for the next two days. What a wonderful surprise in July!

Willie Geist is Cordially Invited to Stepford

The video below was one of the funniest things I saw prior to the election. It was just so foreign to me to see a complete population of people with which I agreed.

MSNBC's Morning Joe reran this piece earlier this week. They used the video as an introduction to Harry Stein's visit to the show. Harry has recently released the book Can't believe you're sitting next to a Republican?

I have not read the book, but the premise as I understand it is that crazed liberals are going around the country attacking poor innocent Republicans. The general consensus of the panel discussion that followed was that the left was much less reasonable and open-minded than the right.

WTF???????

Please. Willie, I invite you to bring your Obama paraphernalia to Stepford for a repeat of the experiment you did on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I can assure you that the Stepfordians will make these New Yorkers look like milk toast.

I can't wait to meet Willie, he is my favorite on Morning Joe. Mica would be my fave, but she needs to learn to speak up and stop letting the loud-talker, Joe, drown her out.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

New Car Hell

I had not intended to write about (finally) getting rid of the Palinmobile. But, I just can't help it.





Here's the deal. Over the weekend I picked out a car on the Internet. The Husband reviewed it and agreed that it met my specifications. Then the FATAL error occurred.

For some reason (temporary insanity) I uttered the words, "Can you just take care of it?" I even went so far as to promise certain things that I would be willing to do (sex), if he would just take care of it.

He. Agreed. To. Do. It.

I've got three letters for that: FML.

I like control. It works for me, because I'm good at controlling things. Out of milk? I know where to get some. Manage the household budget? You bet. Dry cleaning? Got it covered. Groceries? Sunday mornings. Let the dog out? Already done. You get the idea. I rule.

However, I motherfuckinghate buying a car. I hate car salesmen, car finance people, other people buying cars, and people in traffic on my way to buy the car. I hate the chit chat, I really hate the question "What kind of payment are you looking for?" (I always say zero), I hate the financing Wizard they keep behind the glass wall, and I hate how COLD it is inside the showroom. Seriously? They could charge less for the cars if they would turn their thermostat up a few degrees.

So, here I am. I'm supposed to meet my husband tonight at 7PM to sign my name in five places (he swears, just five places) to purchase a car I've never seen in person. To say the least, my control issues are in overdrive.

My fear is that I will arrive at 7PM and their will be a slight "problem". I haven't determined what exactly this "problem" is going to be, but I'm thinking there will be one.

I'm taking deep cleansing breaths and trying to focus on the positive. If things go as planned, I will be driving to work tomorrow morning in my new car that will luxuriously mold to my fat ass while melting the pounds away. I'll look ten years younger just because the lighting in the car is so good. I'll be WAY sexier than I am today, because I will rock this car so hard. Pink will play on the radio. All the other Stepford Wives will envy me and all the other Stepford Husbands will offer to buy their wives a car like mine in exchange for what I've promised my husband in return for "just taking care of it".

I'll let you know tomorrow how that works out for me.

A Hater Named Sarah

If profanity offends you, do not read this post. You've been warned.





This was written to me and about me today on DivineCaroline:

"Kristi, you'll never be elected the governor of any state, and won't be so popular for having done such a good job at it either. You'll never go on national TV in front of millions worldwide amidst a media hate campaign and hit a home run with a speech. So you can call her whatever you want. She won't care and neither will anybody else. She is such a threat to you and yours because she actually supports human rights and the health of women and their children. You and yours in the pro abortion lobby, meanwhile, continue to ensure that women will face needless birth defects, depression, breast cancer, suicide, and preterm births in their futures. All for the almighty, very profitable, notion that it is somehow AOK to kill your own child. We understand why you find Sarah Palin and other pro life women like Lila Rose, Gianna Jessen, and Rebecca Kiessling such a threat. Because it is us who are exposing you and yours and all you do to destroy not only babies but women as well."

I actually don't have a huge problem with the first four sentences of this post. If you love Sarah Palin, I'm not for you. You're welcome to love her all you want. I'll be passing on that option.

What has fucking sent me over the edge is the last half of the post. I have taken great pains to never criticize Saint Sarah for her anti-choice stance. Don't get me wrong, I do disagree with her on this point. However, I deeply believe every woman must make these choices for themselves. I strongly believe if there is no choice, then the government is making it on your behalf.

I am not an idiot. I have a deep comprehension about the abortion debate. If you're on the other side, I'm cool with that. What I cannot tolerate is the vitriol with which pro-choice people are routinely attacked (aka Dr. George Tiller). I support a woman's perfectly LEGAL right to choose, or not to choose, an abortion. Period.

Here's the best part. I've requested that this vile, hate filled post be removed. And so far, it has not. I've contacted the editor and received a prompt reply thanking me for my email and letting me know that my request should be sent to the "appropriate person". So, I sent my request again. However, this time I said, "Dear Appropriate Person, Perhaps you missed my first request...."

Fucking super. I just love cowardly anonymous posters who hide behind their keyboards and think they can type whatever they want. They are the cockroaches of the Internet and we are in serious need of an exterminator. (Of course, if I typed that on DivineCaroline it would promptly be deleted by the appropriate person.)