I may harm myself before the election gets here. Truly the only thing worse than being a working mother in Stepford is being a Democrat in Stepford. So needless to say, since I am both, sharp objects seem to be calling my name. I was doing pretty well this election cycle … right up until the Republican Party nominated a Stepford Wife for Vice President. Sitting at my desk reading the announcement, all I could think was “Uh oh. Here we go.” So, the last two weeks having pretty much been a living Hell. I’m trying to get my groove back, so I’ve decided to share the eight most ridiculous things said to my face by people I know regarding politics this year:
1) From my mother: “I think we can at least agree that Cindy McCain has the most beautiful clothes.”
I responded, “Yes, mom, billionaires tend to dress well.”
2) From my husband who apparently never wants sex from me again: “That’s John McCain’s wife? She’s hot.”
Umkay … and you are attracted to me because … ?
3) Again, from my mother, the most ironic sentence ever uttered in the history of mankind: “Kristi, Obama is such a racist and if I have to look at Michelle’s lips for four years I’ll vomit in the trash can.”
Upside? I’m living proof racism is not a genetic disorder.
4) From my husband: “Kristi, I think you’re overlooking why Sarah Palin might be appealing to some people.”
WTF? I only live in a community where every woman thinks they are her. The remainder of this conversation did not go well.
5) From my mother: “Let me tell you one thing, my little Sarah came out a swingin’!”
Your little Sarah? What followed, I will admit, was nothing short of a screaming throw down over Palin.
6) From a friend’s mother over Easter Brunch: “I think its pretty clear Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ.”
After receiving my blank stare, which is my standard “OMG that is so ridiculous I can’t find words” response, she followed up with “Oprah has started her own religion.”
Good to know.
7) From a coworker: “Did you see Hannity and Combs last night?”
I followed that question with the obligatory blank stare and “Uhhh, no. What channel is that? Oh, Fox. No, I missed it.” I then proceeded to the restroom and talked myself out of jumping from my tenth floor office window.
8) From a friend’s child: “My daddy says Obama is a thief and he is going to steal all our money.”
This is child abuse.
Here is how I’m keeping myself sane until Halloween. I’ve ordered a hot pink “I AM Sarah Palin” tee shirt off the web and am planning to wear it with a bee hive hairdo, pumps, a pig nose, glasses, and red lipstick while handing out candy to my neighbor’s children on Halloween. I doubt anyone will notice. Of course, there is also the possibility that I will get no trick-or-treaters at all due to the Obama 2008 sign in the front yard.