Because I feel guilty about everything, I apologize a lot…even if it has nothing to do with me. I’m sure you know people like this, because I do. While I recognize I have this problem, it irritates the hell out of me when someone else keeps apologizing to me for stuff that they had nothing to do with. I know that’s a little hypocritical, but even the best of us suffer from what I like to call “if you can spot it, you’ve got it.”
However, there is some really legitimate stuff I feel badly about that I want to apologize for. If you know me and you’re reading this, you’ll know which of these applies to you.
I’m sorry I deliberately cried for dad when you didn’t give me my way. I know that must have sucked as a single mom.
I’m sorry after you drove two hours to get me for our weekend visit, I wouldn’t go with you. I was mad at you for not being there when I didn’t get my way.
I’m sorry I insinuated the dog poop in the front yard looked like chocolate ice cream. I never dreamed you would take a bite.
I’m sorry I chased you with scissors and then insisted, until now, that I didn’t.
I’m sorry I dropped you on the kitchen floor when you were nine months old. You turned out ok, but that bump on your head looked like it hurt like hell.
I’m sorry I kissed your old boyfriend. I would not have appreciated it if you had kissed mine. Oh wait, you did...never mind.
I’m sorry I told you that ridiculous replica of Princess Di’s wedding gown looked great on you. I’m especially sorry that you wore it to the prom.
I’m sorry I broke up with you in tenth grade to date your best friend. He was a lot nicer to me than you were, but it was still not good form.
I’m sorry I broke your heart when I left for college. You really didn’t want to marry me anyway, I would have divorced you eventually for being a Republican and making me live in a trailer.
I’m sorry I didn’t come to your wedding or send a gift. I was mad that I wasn’t one of your TWELVE bridesmaids while you were one of my four, but still that wasn’t nice.
I’m sorry I haven’t made more time for you this summer.
I’m sorry that when you said I was a bad mommy and you didn’t like me, I said I didn’t like you either. That could not be further from the truth.
I’m sorry I moved you to a new school where you have to make all new friends. I still think in the long run this will be the best thing for you, but I’m sad you’re sad.
I’m sorry when you said you were going to run away, I asked if I could drive you anywhere. I would be heartbroken if you didn’t live in my house.
I’m sorry that when yellow dog puked scrambled eggs all over the rug last night I made this your responsibility to clean up. I’m also sorry I was then too irritated about this to thank you the way you wanted to be thanked for making all that puke disappear.