Community Service Announcement

I love amusement parks. They are one of the few places in the world, along with movie theaters, where I feel exactly as I did as a child. I love pulling into the parking lot and seeing the rides from afar and hearing the muffled screams of the riders. My pulse ticks up a notch every time.

I had long looked forward to taking my own children to amusement parks. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that amusement parks aren’t really my son’s thing. I was in denial about this for a long while. I was just sure as soon as he realized (thanks to my gleeful demonstrations) how much fun he was missing, he would embrace the experience with the same cotton candy glee as me. After an ill-fated ride on Six Flags’ Shock Wave this spring, I’ve finally come to an understanding, an acceptance really, about my first born. My son does not mesh with roller coasters, crowds, lines, and all the sugar his body can ingest in an afternoon.

However, redemption has come to me in the form of an eight-year-old girl who is only limited by the height restrictions on the rides.

JOY. JOY. JOY.

I took my daughter to the Stepford Water Park over the weekend. We were accompanied by three of her soccer teammates and their parents. It was a great afternoon. We floated the lazy river, slid down the tall, medium, and small slides, and completely enjoyed the wave pool.

While there, I learned three valuable lessons. As a community service, I feel I must share these with you. If you need to print this article and tape it to your refrigerator at the beginning of each summer, please do so. Really. For the good of all of us.

1. Under no circumstance should Spanx be worn as swimwear. I do not care how good they make your ass look in jeans―wet, naked Spanx do not have the same affect. (No, I am not kidding. Yes, they were flesh colored.)

2. Be self-aware at all times. I have heard that scary movies can be sexually arousing. I don’t really understand this myself, but I’m willing to accept the scientific research on the subject. What took me by total surprise was the fact that scary water slides can have the same affect. (No, the cold water did not override what you are correctly imagining). If your man has a propensity for fright induced erections, please do not send him to the water park in a white bathing suit and have him stand perpendicular to me while he enjoys the unexpected benefits of the death shoot. I will not be able to stop looking and my eight-year-old daughter does not need to see this.

3. Alternatives to bathing suits are usually not a good idea. I’m not fundamentally opposed to you swimming in a tank top. We all have things about our bodies that we’d rather hundreds of people not see. However, you need to know that if you do choose to swim in a tank top without a bra or bikini top underneath, even if said tank top is hot pink, there is a very real possibility that your rather large aureoles will show through the tank top. (Again, surely you don’t think I could conceive of wet aureoles on my own? I have witnesses and lack the capacity to imagine such an atrocity.) If this applies to you, please stay far, far away from Mr. Death Shoot Erection. He’s already having a hard enough time (pun, most definitely, intended) taking care of his personal problem.

More Music Notes

And who says classical music is boring?



This video appeared yesterday on the Dallas Observer's music blog. My sister is a busy girl these days. In addition to preparing to pick her flute back up for The Polyphonic Spree's upcoming album, she's doing this amazing work as part of The Chameleon Chamber Group.

Enjoy!

Music Lovers Take Note

Tim DeLaughter of The Polyphonic Spree is dancing with his muse once again. He has begun to write the music that The Spree will record on their new album this fall. Even more exciting, he has decided to share the process with us. He is currently posting raw, unedited, cuts on The Spree's website.

The Spree is also getting an incredible amount of buzz around Dallas as we all await the new album. Check out The Dallas Observer's Music Blog for a much more educated perspective than I can provide. After all, I am a little biased since my sister (pictured directly to the right of DeLaughter in this Fragile Army pic) rocks the flute for the band.

Nothing Yet

I haven't heard from the producers of Morning Joe just yet. (I know you're all dying to hear the news as much as me.) However, I'm sure it is just because I sent Willie's invitation late in the day and the show is, of course, a morning show. And now, it's the weekend.

I'm positive I'll hear something Monday.

Check out my new comment software, Disqus. I've been using it over at Lindsay Ferrier's blog Suburban Turmoil and I love, love, love it.

Have a great weekend. It is actually going to be under 100 here in Texas for the next two days. What a wonderful surprise in July!

Willie Geist is Cordially Invited to Stepford

The video below was one of the funniest things I saw prior to the election. It was just so foreign to me to see a complete population of people with which I agreed.

MSNBC's Morning Joe reran this piece earlier this week. They used the video as an introduction to Harry Stein's visit to the show. Harry has recently released the book Can't believe you're sitting next to a Republican?

I have not read the book, but the premise as I understand it is that crazed liberals are going around the country attacking poor innocent Republicans. The general consensus of the panel discussion that followed was that the left was much less reasonable and open-minded than the right.

WTF???????

Please. Willie, I invite you to bring your Obama paraphernalia to Stepford for a repeat of the experiment you did on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I can assure you that the Stepfordians will make these New Yorkers look like milk toast.

I can't wait to meet Willie, he is my favorite on Morning Joe. Mica would be my fave, but she needs to learn to speak up and stop letting the loud-talker, Joe, drown her out.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

New Car Hell

I had not intended to write about (finally) getting rid of the Palinmobile. But, I just can't help it.





Here's the deal. Over the weekend I picked out a car on the Internet. The Husband reviewed it and agreed that it met my specifications. Then the FATAL error occurred.

For some reason (temporary insanity) I uttered the words, "Can you just take care of it?" I even went so far as to promise certain things that I would be willing to do (sex), if he would just take care of it.

He. Agreed. To. Do. It.

I've got three letters for that: FML.

I like control. It works for me, because I'm good at controlling things. Out of milk? I know where to get some. Manage the household budget? You bet. Dry cleaning? Got it covered. Groceries? Sunday mornings. Let the dog out? Already done. You get the idea. I rule.

However, I motherfuckinghate buying a car. I hate car salesmen, car finance people, other people buying cars, and people in traffic on my way to buy the car. I hate the chit chat, I really hate the question "What kind of payment are you looking for?" (I always say zero), I hate the financing Wizard they keep behind the glass wall, and I hate how COLD it is inside the showroom. Seriously? They could charge less for the cars if they would turn their thermostat up a few degrees.

So, here I am. I'm supposed to meet my husband tonight at 7PM to sign my name in five places (he swears, just five places) to purchase a car I've never seen in person. To say the least, my control issues are in overdrive.

My fear is that I will arrive at 7PM and their will be a slight "problem". I haven't determined what exactly this "problem" is going to be, but I'm thinking there will be one.

I'm taking deep cleansing breaths and trying to focus on the positive. If things go as planned, I will be driving to work tomorrow morning in my new car that will luxuriously mold to my fat ass while melting the pounds away. I'll look ten years younger just because the lighting in the car is so good. I'll be WAY sexier than I am today, because I will rock this car so hard. Pink will play on the radio. All the other Stepford Wives will envy me and all the other Stepford Husbands will offer to buy their wives a car like mine in exchange for what I've promised my husband in return for "just taking care of it".

I'll let you know tomorrow how that works out for me.

A Hater Named Sarah

If profanity offends you, do not read this post. You've been warned.





This was written to me and about me today on DivineCaroline:

"Kristi, you'll never be elected the governor of any state, and won't be so popular for having done such a good job at it either. You'll never go on national TV in front of millions worldwide amidst a media hate campaign and hit a home run with a speech. So you can call her whatever you want. She won't care and neither will anybody else. She is such a threat to you and yours because she actually supports human rights and the health of women and their children. You and yours in the pro abortion lobby, meanwhile, continue to ensure that women will face needless birth defects, depression, breast cancer, suicide, and preterm births in their futures. All for the almighty, very profitable, notion that it is somehow AOK to kill your own child. We understand why you find Sarah Palin and other pro life women like Lila Rose, Gianna Jessen, and Rebecca Kiessling such a threat. Because it is us who are exposing you and yours and all you do to destroy not only babies but women as well."

I actually don't have a huge problem with the first four sentences of this post. If you love Sarah Palin, I'm not for you. You're welcome to love her all you want. I'll be passing on that option.

What has fucking sent me over the edge is the last half of the post. I have taken great pains to never criticize Saint Sarah for her anti-choice stance. Don't get me wrong, I do disagree with her on this point. However, I deeply believe every woman must make these choices for themselves. I strongly believe if there is no choice, then the government is making it on your behalf.

I am not an idiot. I have a deep comprehension about the abortion debate. If you're on the other side, I'm cool with that. What I cannot tolerate is the vitriol with which pro-choice people are routinely attacked (aka Dr. George Tiller). I support a woman's perfectly LEGAL right to choose, or not to choose, an abortion. Period.

Here's the best part. I've requested that this vile, hate filled post be removed. And so far, it has not. I've contacted the editor and received a prompt reply thanking me for my email and letting me know that my request should be sent to the "appropriate person". So, I sent my request again. However, this time I said, "Dear Appropriate Person, Perhaps you missed my first request...."

Fucking super. I just love cowardly anonymous posters who hide behind their keyboards and think they can type whatever they want. They are the cockroaches of the Internet and we are in serious need of an exterminator. (Of course, if I typed that on DivineCaroline it would promptly be deleted by the appropriate person.)

Kristi's Sarah Palin FAQ

My email box exploded last Friday afternoon.
E-X-P-L-O-D-E-D. Apparently, I've developed quite a reputation for my opinions about Sarah Palin. And, I'll admit that I have missed her in a weird kind of way. She was quite the muse for me as a writer last fall. I told one friend over the weekend that if she (not if there is a God in Heaven) is ever elected President, I'll immediately be propelled to stardom as the Left's answer to Ann Coulter. (I might even throw on a pair of Naughty Monkey's for my book tour just to add a touch of irony to the whole thing.)

Okay, so what everyone wants to know is what I have to say about Sarah's unexpected resignation as the Governor of Alaska. Surprisingly (not really), I have quite a bit to say about it. However, Sarah has put nasty pajama-blogging, terrorist-loving, unpatriotic, left-wing, socialists like myself on notice that she is not going to take the defamation a minute longer. Where I come from, that's just the equivalent of an "I double dog dare ya to write about me". So, here goes.

After wading through the emails and questions I received about Sarah, I determined that by answering each and every email I had already written my next article about her.

Kristi's Sarah Palin FAQ

Were you surprised that Sarah resigned?
Yes.

Are you glad?
Very.

What were you doing when you heard the news?
I was walking through my living room with a bowl of cookies and cream ice cream when I noticed CNN was broadcasting a Sarah press conference. The screen said something like "Palin resigns as Governor of Alaska". If I had been a cartoon character, you would have heard tire-screeching as I immediately stopped in my tracks, reached for the remote, and cranked up the volume.

Do you think Sarah's a quitter?
She quit didn't she? And her job before that... and the one before that. And five university's before finally graduating from the sixth. Need I say more?

Do you think Sarah will run for President in 2012?
To use her own words, "Hell Yeah." I'm not sure the GOP is going to be happy about it. But, considering the recent hikes of Senator Ensign and Governor Sanford on the Appalachian Trail, she may end up being the GOP candidate after all. If the GOP would listen to that loud-talker, Joe Scarborough, they might actually have a chance with someone more reasonable like Governor Crist or Governor Pawlenty. I don't see this happening though. The GOP does not seem to be ready to shake loose from the far right that is holding it hostage.

Do you think there is a brewing scandal?
Seriously, who can know? I'm a pretty firm believer that in politics as in marriage, where there is smoke there is fire. If there is a scandal coming, I cannot express how relieved I will be that it was contained to Alaska instead of spilling into Washington, D.C. I will make this prediction. If she is ever elected to national office, before she is done there will be a Bushesque scandal. She would do well to study Yertle the Turtle before she takes on another leadership position. Come to think of it, she could also use a big ole dose of The Lorax as well.

What do you think about her calling out Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore?
I think pretty much what Shannon thinks about it - Sarah is a "bully and coward". She can dish it out, but she can't take it. As I said in an article about Sarah last fall, there is no whining in motherhood or politics. Unless, of course, you're Sarah.

Do you think she's been treated unfairly by the media because she's a conservative woman?
NO. I think she has an undisciplined mind and no filter between it and her mouth. What is the media supposed to do with that? Is the media supposed to ignore her grammar, under-education, bizarre syntax, and politically self-destructive behavior? Are they supposed to just smile and nod when no one can figure out what she's talking about? She wanted to be second in command of the greatest nation on earth. When you're that high profile you have to learn to rise above your critics. Instead, she chooses to get down in the ditch with them.

Isn't it true you dislike her so much because you are jealous?
Of what? Why in the world would I want to be three years older, have three more children, a grandchild, be unemployed, and live in Wasilla, Alaska? My life isn't perfect, but I'm good.

Don't you feel like you should vote for her because she's a woman?
No more than I felt a need to vote for George Bush because he was from Texas.

Making This Comment Brought Me To Tears

Real honesty, often makes me cry.

As I live and breathe, my experience in Stepford as well. I'm a political creature. And a very liberal one. That doesn't reconcile well in my community. And I struggle. I struggle to be honest about my shortcomings in a community of perfect Christian women. I struggle to be honest about my experiences as a mom in the haven of Christian SAHM's in which I live. I struggle that I experience God in a very different way than anyone else I've ever met personally. I struggle with the fellow congregants at my church. I struggle with how we, as a church family, give money and spend money. Oh, how I struggle. I have no answers for you or myself. Just know, you are not alone. Sometimes just knowing that, is what gets me through.

Originally posted as a comment by KristiStevens on Suburban Turmoil using Disqus.

Six Beauty Lessons For My Daughter

My daughter is on a mission to push the boundaries of style. Here are six lessons we've reviewed this week:

1) Repeatedly (and by this I mean like one hundred times) bending over and flipping your hair back over the top of your head to get that wind blown model look seriously comes back to bite you when you try to run a brush through your hair later in the day.

2) Highlighting your hair with nail polish does not give the desired effect. (Yes, I'm serious. Could I make this up?)

3) Using an entire eight ounce bottle of Philosophy's "Purity" facial cleanser doesn't make your face any cleaner that using a dime-sized amount. (And twenty bucks is a lot for one face washing.)

4) Purple panties should never be worn under white shorts - especially when you're going to be up on the altar during children's church. (No, I'm not the only one who noticed, but thanks for trying to make me feel better.)

5) The ladies who work at Philosphy's cosmetic counter at Nordstrom's do not love the smell of Amazing Grace as much as you do. (Yes, we've been discussing the dangers of product overuse. I'm talking to a brick wall.)

6) There is no universe that exists where a sharpie marker can elicit an authentic-looking tatoo. (And even if it did, it would not be appropriate for an eight year old.)

New Template (Again)

Perhaps this will be the last template? So much to learn....

Photobucket Message

Arghhhh. Okay, so obviously, "Houston, we have a problem."

Every problem is a learning opportunity and here is what I learned today. Check your ubercool blog template to see if it connects to Photobucket BEFORE you spend untold hours getting your blog exactly like you want it. If it does connect to Photobucket, there is a possibility that what has happened to my blog will happen to yours.

I initially thought my problem was being caused by a Photobucket picture I had linked directly to my blog. I removed ALL of these and still the problem remained. This made no sense to me. However, I'm nothing if not determined, so I turned my attention to the Politics page. My logical mind told me this could not be where the problem was coming from since a) the Photobucket message was not showing up over on the Politics page and b) technically, the Politics page is it's own blog. After removing all my cool pictures over there, I was at least reassured that my logic was still working.

Then, I check the HTML of the blog template and there it is. Photobucket references all over the damned place. Now, I'm not 100% sure this is the issue. However, since all other Photobucket pics have been removed I'm assuming this is the source.

Hang in there with me, it takes more time than I can really accept right now to properly switch out the template, but I'll be working on it tomorrow.

Mommy Guilt

I try really hard not to whine. I don't tolerate it in my kids and my husband receives a less than favorable reaction when he tries it. With that being said, today's post is going to be whiney.

My son did not want to go to summer camp today. Instead, he would have preferred to stay at home. Specifically, what he had in mind was staying in his room, on the floor, in his pajamas, eating Fritos and drinking Diet Coke, while simultaneously watching VH1, playing Runescape on the laptop and texting with his friends. I'm sure a few phone calls would have been thrown in for good measure.

For some ridiculous reason, which I am sure will make some sort of "Bad Mom of the Month" list, I thought it would be a MUCH better idea for him to go to camp where he would spend the day at the Stepford Water Park. What was I thinking? Seriously! I must be brain damaged. Why in the world would I think that a twelve year old boy would want to spend the day at a water park - IN JULY - IN TEXAS? Further, why would I be willing to pay $200 a week to torture my child in such a way? Could someone please call Child Protective Services? Otherwise, I'm going to be compelled to insist that my son also go to Medieval Times, Six Flags, bowling, roller skating, ice skating, horseback riding and swimming over the course of the next seven weeks.

Oh and wait, it gets better. After I got my son to camp, I ran into a fellow Stepford Wife in the parking lot whose twelve year old son was sitting in her car crying because he was NOT being allowed to go to camp this week. Her son has apparently misbehaved in some way and she is making him stay home as punishment. Good Lord, what is WRONG with this woman? Doesn't she know the real punishment is sending her child to camp?

There are thirty-six more week days until school starts. Surely my son can survive the torture that long? Me? Probably not. FML